|Welcome to Golf Is A Funny Game's world famous collection of Funny Golf Jokes for Married Guys.
For every married guy out on the golf course there's a wife sitting at home who either loves or hates the fact that he's out drinking and enjoying himself. Golf
has probably saved more marriages than Dr. Phil and ruined more marriages than gambling, drinking and online porn combined. It either works for your
relationship (the 5-6 hours spent apart gives both parties some much needed space and room to breathe) or works against you (she's a psycho who requires
constant attention and can't stand the fact that you'd rather get drunk and golf with your buddies than hang out with her.) If you're a married guy who golfs
(with or without your wife's approval), you're sure to appreciate some of the jokes below.
|Copyright 2009 GolfIsAFunnyGame.com
|Funny Golf Jokes For Married Guys
I Can't Wait to Die
Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them
around the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both
asked. "Sure!" said the angel.
Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the
fairways, the greens, even the rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed
her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven!
We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"
Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"
Women Have a Fine-Tuned Bullshit Detector
George came home from golfing well after dark. His wife, Beth, asked him where had he been for such a long time. He told
her that after his 8:00 am round of golf, he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. He said that he went back to her
place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.
Beth replied, "You S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
A Wife's Choice
Jim, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the
day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."
Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."
Jim said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said:
'I'll put your clubs in the car'."
Best. Trade. Ever.
Eric and Scott step up to the first tee box. Eric says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
Scott replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"
Tommy met Joe one day after work at the local drinking establishment. "Did you hear that my exclusive golf club fined me $50
for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?" moaned Tommy. Joe, nodding his head sadly said, "Really? Was it for conduct unbecoming
a gentleman?" Tommy responded as expected, "No, it was for using the wrong club."
Why Single Golfers Aren't as Fat as Married Golfers
I attended a golf convention in London over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study
performed on golfers; specifically, I was interested in late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the single
gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer. The single golfer goes out and plays his
round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. He finds nothing decent there, so
he goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home
and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
Take My Wife, Please
Freddy called his friend in tears.
"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."
"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."
"Who's talking about her?" said Freddy. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"
That Was One Hard Putt
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They make it into a sudden-death play-off hole, and it is down
to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses, and they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you
missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success.
Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
Why Women Should Never Play The 'What If' Game...
"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."
The Worst Golfing Buddy
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.
I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always
playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither did he."
My Wife's Gonna Leave Me
"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"I dunno, but I'm sure going to miss her."
Not a Chance
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the
wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit
the god damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Driven to Murder
A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a
golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the
club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of
them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to
play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective
notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective
very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he
couldn't take it anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and
how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
"I'll put you down for a 5" says the Detective.
Genie in a Bottle
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful
homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice towards one of the houses. Her shot was headed directly at a very
large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They
felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove over to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon
further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I
am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed.
The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years
and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife
finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And he still believes in all this Genie nonsense?"
Larry got a call from the coroner, who wanted to talk about his wife's recent death. Larry told him the whole sad story. "We
were on the third hole. Kimberly, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my
drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead.
God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"
"Oh," said Larry. "That was my provisional."
Paying Respects to the Dead
One day out on the course, a group of golfers notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Albert suggests
to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in
silence as car after car goes by.
Finally, George remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved."
Albert replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."
Never Miss a Chance to Play St. Andrews
Fred, playing as a single at St. Andrews was teamed with a two-some. After a few holes, the two-some finally asked why he
was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year - for over 20
years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.
"So did I," he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
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