|Welcome to Golf Is A Funny Game's world famous collection of Funny Golf Quotes and One Liners.
Whether you're a professional golfer or just a beginner, we've got plenty of golf quotes and one liners you're sure to appreciate. Next time you're out on the
golf course, feel free to drop some knowledge on your playing partner by busting out some of the gems listed below. He'll be so impressed by your wit and
charm that he'll probably invite you back to his house after the round to run a 3-way on his wife. No joke. Happens all the time...
Ok, not really...unless you're Camillo Villegas, nobody is going to take you home to bang their wife after golf, no matter how charming your ass is...and let's
face it, you've seen your buddy...and you probably know what his wife looks like. You're better off without that 3-way. Trust us.
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|Funny Golf Quotes and Hilarious Golf One Liners
"They named it GOLF because all the other Four-Letter words were taken."
-Some Clever Bastard
"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
"Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being very good at."
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the KKK. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
"Golf is a good walk spoiled"
"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."
"Did you ever notice what golf spelled backwards is?"
"Getting fed up with your shitty golf game?...take a couple weeks off, then quit for good."
-Local Golf Pro
“Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer...huge ass.”
"Golf is like a hot 17-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's trouble, but you just can't keep away from her."
-Avid golfer and statutory rapist
"Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick."
"Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one."
"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted."
-A Smart Man
"The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top."
"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
"My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch."
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a
sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
-Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accent
"Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game." -
"One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water."
-Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament
"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
"The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it."
"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball."
"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
"One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa."
-Mac O'Grady, describing a typical round of golf
"Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to
having a perfect golf swing."
"When you hear someone shout "You da man," if he ain't shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain't da man."
-Ron Green, Charlotte Observer (For those youngsters out there, you can safely insert 'Tiger Woods' for 'Arnold Palmer' in
the above quote to make better sense of it.)
"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle."
-Unknown Golfing Poet
"What's nice about our tour is you can't remember your bad shots."
-Bob Bruce, about the senior tour
"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling."
"Gone golfin'... be back dark thirty."
"Born to golf. Forced to work."
-The Plight of Every Man
"My body is here, but my mind has already teed off."
-Anxious Working Man
"If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle."
-Every Golfer I Know
"The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a
very large tree."
"If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and subject to
appropriate penalties under the rules of golf."
"It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride
around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and stare at the cart girl's tits all day if you are performing brain surgery."
"Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week."
"A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck."
"No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse."
-Opie the Optimist
"When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls."
"If you try to fight the course, it will beat you."
"There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling,
but the surest is with golf."
"Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off."
"The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play from a bad lie."
"My golf game's gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake."
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